Day 266 12:07AM

TIO Tips To Surviving... A Night Out With Friends

1. First and foremost: pre-game. Enough cannot be said about the money saved by simply chugging a 40 of OE or an airplane bottle of Stoli before hitting the bar. A no, that doesn't include a bottle of vanilla extract you drunk.
2. Buy the 2nd round. The ROI of this technique can be impressive, especially among larger groups. You are still doing your civic duty by buying a round and it is early enough for everybody to remember. By the time your turn come around again chances are people have scattered or are drunk enough that they will become the Alpha Buyer. If you need to push things along just yell "Car Bombs!" when it is someone else's round.
3. Remember this progression: Dive < Pub/Tavern < Sports Bar < Brew Pub < Lounge < Wine Bar < Hotel Bar < Cigar Bar < Nightclub < Gentleman's Club. When unfamiliar with a destination ask a friend what type of place it is. Learn the base price of a drink at most Dives (e.g. a Bud at a Dive is $4) and add $1 for each step along the progression (e.g. a Bud would be $8 at a Lounge). Divide the total amount of money in your wallet by that number, taking into account the $1 tip to get your total drinks (e.g. $50 / $9 = 5). Now convince your friends to go somewhere cheaper.
4. When in doubt, go to a place with a pool table. The exception being the Delano Miami Lobby Bar or any hipster joint in Brooklyn or on the Lower East Side that uses a pool table ironically. 
5. Regarding #3 and eating. The prices move along the same pace but in an odd bit of phenomena, the food portions actually get smaller as you move from Dive to Club. Eat a NYC slice or a $5 Footlong™ before you go out; you'll be happy you did. Oh, and remember... people never really eat all their fries.
6. Your brain may be telling you to go with beer since it is cheaper but don't listen to that putz; who got you into this predicament in the first place? The incremental beers gained by the money saved on a cheaper alcoholic beverage does not offset the drunkenness gained by a stronger drink. [Ed. note: I understand not everybody is going out with plans to just get drunk. Now I think your Ivory Tower needs tending.]
7. Time Out New York can be a great resource for cheap drinks. If you find a copy see if you can trade it for a vodka tonic.
8. Know when to pull the cord. Key phrases to listen for are: "Let's go somewhere where I can get a good scotch." "I think they will be cool with you wearing sneakers." "[Girl's Name] just called. She's at [anywhere] with some friends. We're gonna go meet them." "[Anything] Penthouse Club [anything]."
9. There is no shame in the Irish Exit (leaving without goodbyes). Despite what you may think, you are not the center of the universe and the night will go on once you leave. PLEASE NOTE: this rule does not apply to women, who will stop everything and ruin everybody's night if someone goes missing. Ladies, tell your friends you ran into a co-worker who is gonna walk you to a cab if you want an easy exit.
10. Your friends understand your predicament, that's why they are your friends. Don't be afraid to let them buy you a drink, or let you steal their tip money, or let you walk out with their jacket. That's what friends are for.