Day 279 8:30AM - 2:50PM

Today I thought I'd keep a diary on my trip to NYC to be a Floater for a Market Research study on how people use the Internet to purchase products. Essentially for $250 I hang out for three hours in case anyone bails on the study. I should be a PSA for getting your MBA.

8:30AM: IT'S MARKET RESEARCH DAY!!! [hit snooze]
8:57AM: Shower? Shave? Brush? Fine.
9:22AM: Frantically trying to pick out Market Research clothes. I need something that says "I'm happy to help but I don't need to be here." T-shirt and tuxedo trousers? A button-down with my Phish overalls? I settle on the casual-corporate-white-male-winter-2009 look: Expensive jeans, button down under a zip-up sweater. I throw on some Adidas white shell-tops just to add a little "Yeah I grew up upper-middle class; so what of it motherfucker?"
9:29AM: Seven minutes spent trying to figure out if the semi-colon belongs in that quote. Still not sure.
10:31AM: Scouring my email because I can't remember what I told them I do (it can't be Marketing, per Day 250's entry). It is either Hospitality Operations, Event Planning Consultant, or Labradoodle Enthusiast.
10:57AM: Switching over to Droid voice recorder to continue diary while I drive into the city.
11:05AM: "So I put my hands up, They're playing my song, And the butterflys fly away. Noddin' my head like yeah, Moving my hips like yeah. And I got my hands up, They're playin my song, I know I'm gonna be ok. Yeah, It's a party in the USA! Yeah, It's a party in the USA!" [shamefully turning recorder off]
1:14PM: Arrive at [name omitted] with time to spare. While nobody's at reception there is a gong! Market Research companies are FUN!
1:15PM: I refuse to gong but someone shows up anyhow. He looks like a cross between the bad guy in True Lies and the kid who played Joey's nephew on Joey. I'm keeping an eye on him...
1:34PM: Uneasy flirting going on between Little Salim Tribbiani and a plainer version of the stoner Asian girl from Knocked Up. I'm killing these pop culture references.
1:46PM: Ooooh, I get the early nod. I'm going in. The next hour will be recounted from memory as they probably don't want me taking notes.
1:48PM: A kindly middle-aged woman leads me to a room with two computers, four bottles of water, and a web camera. This is exactly how the worst ever Letter To Penthouse started.
1:49PM: Apparently we will be examining an audio book web site. My first fake-bio stumble comes out as I tell her I live in the city but commute in as well. Get it together Dave!
1:51PM: A quick second stumble as I knowingly ask her if the camera above the computer is for eye-tracking research. I immediately add "I saw one on TV" since I can't remember my back story.
2:02PM: I drop my first curse of the interview. Oddly enough, it's "Ass-ramming hamster fucker."
2:06PM: To save face I go on a lengthy discourse on the pricing model of the web site. It is quickly made apparent to me that I don't understand said pricing model.
2:10PM: "That's when the taxi man turned on the radio, and a Jay Z song was on, and the Jay Z song was on." Damn you Miley!
2:19PM: We're back in the groove as I go smoothly through the purchase process with some astute comments about how well the site works. Mentally I am beating the beat.
2:23PM: I refrain from asking her about her cats, of which she clearly has three.
2:31PM: For some reason I have mentioned Chuck Klosterman an astounding eight times during this interview. If something happens to Chuck in the next month I will most certainly be named a Person of Interest.
2:36PM: My second diatribe of the interview involves a new belief that bookshelves are secretly the most egotistical thing any person can own. She is clearly concerned and gives the "If I tug my earlobe come storming in" sign to the outside observers.
2:40PM: Trying to lighten the mood by making a Dark Night joke about the two-way mirror doesn't help. We solemnly agree that Heath Ledger passed too soon. Awkward silence follows. I've clearly been placed on some sort of watch list.
2:43PM: She goes into the other room and I immediately look up Klosterman's new book on the site. What the hell is wrong with me?
2:47PM: We wrap up but not before a final stumble as I mention Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, Porter's Five Forces, and the book How We Decide all in the same sentence.
2:50PM: Doesn't matter, I am paid my cash anyway. Just like Miley, for today I know I'm gonna be OK. It's a party in the USA. It's a party in the USA.