Day 279 8:30AM - 2:50PM

Today I thought I'd keep a diary on my trip to NYC to be a Floater for a Market Research study on how people use the Internet to purchase products. Essentially for $250 I hang out for three hours in case anyone bails on the study. I should be a PSA for getting your MBA.

8:30AM: IT'S MARKET RESEARCH DAY!!! [hit snooze]
8:57AM: Shower? Shave? Brush? Fine.
9:22AM: Frantically trying to pick out Market Research clothes. I need something that says "I'm happy to help but I don't need to be here." T-shirt and tuxedo trousers? A button-down with my Phish overalls? I settle on the casual-corporate-white-male-winter-2009 look: Expensive jeans, button down under a zip-up sweater. I throw on some Adidas white shell-tops just to add a little "Yeah I grew up upper-middle class; so what of it motherfucker?"
9:29AM: Seven minutes spent trying to figure out if the semi-colon belongs in that quote. Still not sure.
10:31AM: Scouring my email because I can't remember what I told them I do (it can't be Marketing, per Day 250's entry). It is either Hospitality Operations, Event Planning Consultant, or Labradoodle Enthusiast.
10:57AM: Switching over to Droid voice recorder to continue diary while I drive into the city.
11:05AM: "So I put my hands up, They're playing my song, And the butterflys fly away. Noddin' my head like yeah, Moving my hips like yeah. And I got my hands up, They're playin my song, I know I'm gonna be ok. Yeah, It's a party in the USA! Yeah, It's a party in the USA!" [shamefully turning recorder off]
1:14PM: Arrive at [name omitted] with time to spare. While nobody's at reception there is a gong! Market Research companies are FUN!
1:15PM: I refuse to gong but someone shows up anyhow. He looks like a cross between the bad guy in True Lies and the kid who played Joey's nephew on Joey. I'm keeping an eye on him...
1:34PM: Uneasy flirting going on between Little Salim Tribbiani and a plainer version of the stoner Asian girl from Knocked Up. I'm killing these pop culture references.
1:46PM: Ooooh, I get the early nod. I'm going in. The next hour will be recounted from memory as they probably don't want me taking notes.
1:48PM: A kindly middle-aged woman leads me to a room with two computers, four bottles of water, and a web camera. This is exactly how the worst ever Letter To Penthouse started.
1:49PM: Apparently we will be examining an audio book web site. My first fake-bio stumble comes out as I tell her I live in the city but commute in as well. Get it together Dave!
1:51PM: A quick second stumble as I knowingly ask her if the camera above the computer is for eye-tracking research. I immediately add "I saw one on TV" since I can't remember my back story.
2:02PM: I drop my first curse of the interview. Oddly enough, it's "Ass-ramming hamster fucker."
2:06PM: To save face I go on a lengthy discourse on the pricing model of the web site. It is quickly made apparent to me that I don't understand said pricing model.
2:10PM: "That's when the taxi man turned on the radio, and a Jay Z song was on, and the Jay Z song was on." Damn you Miley!
2:19PM: We're back in the groove as I go smoothly through the purchase process with some astute comments about how well the site works. Mentally I am beating the beat.
2:23PM: I refrain from asking her about her cats, of which she clearly has three.
2:31PM: For some reason I have mentioned Chuck Klosterman an astounding eight times during this interview. If something happens to Chuck in the next month I will most certainly be named a Person of Interest.
2:36PM: My second diatribe of the interview involves a new belief that bookshelves are secretly the most egotistical thing any person can own. She is clearly concerned and gives the "If I tug my earlobe come storming in" sign to the outside observers.
2:40PM: Trying to lighten the mood by making a Dark Night joke about the two-way mirror doesn't help. We solemnly agree that Heath Ledger passed too soon. Awkward silence follows. I've clearly been placed on some sort of watch list.
2:43PM: She goes into the other room and I immediately look up Klosterman's new book on the site. What the hell is wrong with me?
2:47PM: We wrap up but not before a final stumble as I mention Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, Porter's Five Forces, and the book How We Decide all in the same sentence.
2:50PM: Doesn't matter, I am paid my cash anyway. Just like Miley, for today I know I'm gonna be OK. It's a party in the USA. It's a party in the USA.

Day 273 3:10PM

I'd like to debut a new feature to Termed Into Oblivion called Recently Discovered Skills I Won't Be Putting On My Resume (working title):

Seven Bridges,   Chappaqua, NY

Snowman Engineer

•    Created and executed the development of a human representation derived from frozen water vapor. 
•    Managed cross-functional team (Operations, Creative, Quality Assurance, Neighbor’s Kids) tasked with project implementation and construction.
•    Coordinated field activities with design changes and internal scheduling. Negotiated labor’s (Sean) work schedule with management (Olga).
•    Led the acquisition of building materials from third parties, including the contracting of two buttons used for optical representation.
•    Worked with Creative to implement usage of in-house materials in order to lower project costs including using fir leaves for an awesome Burt Reynolds moustache.
•    Developed communications objectives for the project and oversaw its execution on Social Media (Facebook pictures), Internet Marketing (email to Mom), and Direct Marketing (call Mom).
•    Supervised a team of two assistants, two interns, and one toddler.

Day 266 12:07AM

TIO Tips To Surviving... A Night Out With Friends

1. First and foremost: pre-game. Enough cannot be said about the money saved by simply chugging a 40 of OE or an airplane bottle of Stoli before hitting the bar. A no, that doesn't include a bottle of vanilla extract you drunk.
2. Buy the 2nd round. The ROI of this technique can be impressive, especially among larger groups. You are still doing your civic duty by buying a round and it is early enough for everybody to remember. By the time your turn come around again chances are people have scattered or are drunk enough that they will become the Alpha Buyer. If you need to push things along just yell "Car Bombs!" when it is someone else's round.
3. Remember this progression: Dive < Pub/Tavern < Sports Bar < Brew Pub < Lounge < Wine Bar < Hotel Bar < Cigar Bar < Nightclub < Gentleman's Club. When unfamiliar with a destination ask a friend what type of place it is. Learn the base price of a drink at most Dives (e.g. a Bud at a Dive is $4) and add $1 for each step along the progression (e.g. a Bud would be $8 at a Lounge). Divide the total amount of money in your wallet by that number, taking into account the $1 tip to get your total drinks (e.g. $50 / $9 = 5). Now convince your friends to go somewhere cheaper.
4. When in doubt, go to a place with a pool table. The exception being the Delano Miami Lobby Bar or any hipster joint in Brooklyn or on the Lower East Side that uses a pool table ironically. 
5. Regarding #3 and eating. The prices move along the same pace but in an odd bit of phenomena, the food portions actually get smaller as you move from Dive to Club. Eat a NYC slice or a $5 Footlong™ before you go out; you'll be happy you did. Oh, and remember... people never really eat all their fries.
6. Your brain may be telling you to go with beer since it is cheaper but don't listen to that putz; who got you into this predicament in the first place? The incremental beers gained by the money saved on a cheaper alcoholic beverage does not offset the drunkenness gained by a stronger drink. [Ed. note: I understand not everybody is going out with plans to just get drunk. Now I think your Ivory Tower needs tending.]
7. Time Out New York can be a great resource for cheap drinks. If you find a copy see if you can trade it for a vodka tonic.
8. Know when to pull the cord. Key phrases to listen for are: "Let's go somewhere where I can get a good scotch." "I think they will be cool with you wearing sneakers." "[Girl's Name] just called. She's at [anywhere] with some friends. We're gonna go meet them." "[Anything] Penthouse Club [anything]."
9. There is no shame in the Irish Exit (leaving without goodbyes). Despite what you may think, you are not the center of the universe and the night will go on once you leave. PLEASE NOTE: this rule does not apply to women, who will stop everything and ruin everybody's night if someone goes missing. Ladies, tell your friends you ran into a co-worker who is gonna walk you to a cab if you want an easy exit.
10. Your friends understand your predicament, that's why they are your friends. Don't be afraid to let them buy you a drink, or let you steal their tip money, or let you walk out with their jacket. That's what friends are for.