Day 193 5:44PM

Recently, I watched Homer Simpson struggle with his own mortality after consuming a poorly prepared piece of Fugu (toxic pufferfish served as sushi).  This got me thinking about the five stages of grief (Homer goes through them quickly and hilariously in Dr. Hibbert's office) and how they apply to interviewing for a job you really want:

Denial: The initial phase occurs about a week or so after the interview, when realistically if the company wanted you back they would have called by now. You justify the delay by thinking things like "They probably are just busy this week with that ad campaign they mentioned" or "I think the hiring manager sounded like she was sniffling a little, she probably got H1N1" or "It's Lupus Awareness Month so they might be celebrating this week."

Anger: The second phase comes into play when whatever excuse fueled your Denial no longer can be valid. This phase features a heavy amount of cursing and internal listing of all your redeemable qualities. You'll probably go on several anti-HR tirades and openly question how the company you interviewed with even remains a viable enterprise.

Bargaining: Things start turning a little sad here as you realize that your Anger is misplaced. You re-fall-in-love with the company and begin to make sacrifices to the HR people who are not calling you. Usually this involves lateral salary moves "for the right opportunity", accepting positions below you "because there are opportunities for growth", or performing illicit and/or illegal deeds because you are "just grateful for the opportunity."

You may also do some bargaining with whatever God you worship here. I find Vishnu or James Earl Jones to be the most responsive.

Depression: Ah Depression, my old friend. If you find yourself in dark rooms for over 80% of your day, wearing sweats to public places, or drunk before noon on a Tuesday you have slipped into Phase IV. The plus side is that you will be well-rested, comfortable, and drunk before noon. Here it's best not to focus on the years of complacency spent at a job with no future or relevant training or the graduate degree you spent over $100K on. Instead look at the positives like, um, er... well Lost is coming back soon and BK dropped the price of their Double Cheeseburger to $1.

Acceptance: "Fuck 'em, I never really wanted that job anyway." 

Lisa: Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Crisatunity!

So maybe not getting that job was the Crisatunity you were waiting for.

Or maybe your resume just sucks...