Day 193 5:44PM

Recently, I watched Homer Simpson struggle with his own mortality after consuming a poorly prepared piece of Fugu (toxic pufferfish served as sushi).  This got me thinking about the five stages of grief (Homer goes through them quickly and hilariously in Dr. Hibbert's office) and how they apply to interviewing for a job you really want:

Denial: The initial phase occurs about a week or so after the interview, when realistically if the company wanted you back they would have called by now. You justify the delay by thinking things like "They probably are just busy this week with that ad campaign they mentioned" or "I think the hiring manager sounded like she was sniffling a little, she probably got H1N1" or "It's Lupus Awareness Month so they might be celebrating this week."

Anger: The second phase comes into play when whatever excuse fueled your Denial no longer can be valid. This phase features a heavy amount of cursing and internal listing of all your redeemable qualities. You'll probably go on several anti-HR tirades and openly question how the company you interviewed with even remains a viable enterprise.

Bargaining: Things start turning a little sad here as you realize that your Anger is misplaced. You re-fall-in-love with the company and begin to make sacrifices to the HR people who are not calling you. Usually this involves lateral salary moves "for the right opportunity", accepting positions below you "because there are opportunities for growth", or performing illicit and/or illegal deeds because you are "just grateful for the opportunity."

You may also do some bargaining with whatever God you worship here. I find Vishnu or James Earl Jones to be the most responsive.

Depression: Ah Depression, my old friend. If you find yourself in dark rooms for over 80% of your day, wearing sweats to public places, or drunk before noon on a Tuesday you have slipped into Phase IV. The plus side is that you will be well-rested, comfortable, and drunk before noon. Here it's best not to focus on the years of complacency spent at a job with no future or relevant training or the graduate degree you spent over $100K on. Instead look at the positives like, um, er... well Lost is coming back soon and BK dropped the price of their Double Cheeseburger to $1.

Acceptance: "Fuck 'em, I never really wanted that job anyway." 

Lisa: Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Crisatunity!

So maybe not getting that job was the Crisatunity you were waiting for.

Or maybe your resume just sucks...

Day 186 12:41PM

Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I just decided against the $6.25 turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich at Gregory's Coffee for the $3.99 turkey and jack cheese sandwich at 7-11. I tell myself it's because I like the jack cheese roughly $2.25 more but we all know that's not true. Employed Dave only eats the 7-11 turkey sandwich when he is walking home drunk and can't find a pizza place.

Day 172 11:14AM

Since I haven't done it in a month (and it is an easy gimmick to get a blog post up) I thought it was time to revisit the postings out there:

Brand Manager/Marketing Manager - A Reputable Company - The best part of this one is if you go to the job description it is more of the same vague language: "Collaborates with home office and General Manager on overall marketing strategy", "Prepares and manages annual budget in accordance with media plan to achieve marketing goals", "Achieve marketing synergy with cross-functional business units and monitor ROI based on pre-defined benchmarks." (I made that last one up but admit it, it could fit just as easily).

Licensing Marketing Manager - American Girl/Mattel - I admit I have struggled with job opportunity more than once. On one side there is Mattel, a wonderful company to work for. On the other side, there is the unshakable mental image of my office covered in Barbie accessories while I try to figure out how to position Skipper's new hybrid convertible.

Marketing Manager - Halliburton - The one case where'd I'd probably lie and say I was the Licensing Marketing Manager for Barbie.

Marketing Licensee Manager - National Wild Turkey Federation - Sure, at first this seems like the dream: marketing 101 Proof Bourbon to college students and Red States everywhere. Topless co-eds, all day tailgates, and Toby Keith concerts. Nope, the NWTF is a national nonprofit wild turkey conservation and hunting organization.

National Brand Marketing Manager - Red Bull North America - Fantastic opportunity but I don't see myself making it past the first day when I go on a lengthy, profanity-laced tirade about their ridiculously bad commercials.

Product Marketing Manager - Carol's Daughter - Listen, I think we all admire Carol for the incredibly proactive and out-of-the-box measures she's taking to achieve her daughter's popularity. However I really think a more traditional approach of after-school activities coupled with better clothes and a BMW will net her friends with a smaller overall investment. Worst-case scenario you allow kids to drink in your basement.