Day 390 12:28PM

TIO Tips for Surviving... The Need To Eat

1. Plenty of bars use free food as a lure to get patrons to spend their money at their establishments. Turn this heartless technique against them by eating gratis at places like Crocodile Lounge (free pizza), Rudy's (free hot dogs), Rodeo Bar (free enormous peanuts), and People's Republic of China (free Tibet).
2. Chinese lunch specials in NYC are a wonderful thing. Looks for deals between $5 and $7 that hook you up with soup or egg roll and a choice of fried rice varieties. Avoid the sucker orders though: any noodle dish negates the free fried rice and opting for soda means no soup/egg roll  (buy the soda for $1 at a bodega, rookie.)
3. Embrace the Private Label. If I took one thing away from grad school (and it is very possible I did) it is that the price increase between Private Label brands and Major brands is mostly due to Marketing budgets. Sure, you may not impress you date when you make her America's Choice pasta on your Martha Stewart Everyday plates before trying to seduce her with you Equate massage oil but hey, that's what you get for picking up a chick in Whole Foods.
4. Say what you want about Jared but that purple-lipped, effeminate sandwich whore is onto something at Subway. $5 for a footlong sangy is a helluva deal.
   
• Subway tip 4a: Buy one delicious cookie right before closing. They are usually looking to get rid of them so you can probably score two or three. Oh, and STOP JUDGING ME!
5. Celebratory parties usually have a free food aspect. For example, Bar and Bat Mitzvahs have the BEST food. Plus teenage girls dress like Thai hookers celebrating Y2K at these things. Use this opportunity to explain to them that men like you for your mind not your HOLY SHIT did you see that one???
   
6. Chinatown Dumplings. Just don't try to figure out how they can make money by selling 5 dumplings for $1. Rather than estimate their margins just assume it is a loss leader. Move on.
7. Listen, there's a reason a lot of homeless people aren't skinny. Rock the Dollar Value Menus at McDonald's, Wendy's, and the like. Mask your shame by pretending to be drunk or eating out of Tiffany's bag.
8. Did you know that there are 94 calories and 8.06 grams of fat in one Tablespoon of Peanut Butter? You did? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
9. Food trucks are all the rage right now. Try to rob one.
10. This is more for the suburban poor: store water on the bottom rack of your shopping cart. "Forget" about it when you check out. "Notice" it when you get to your car. "Feel too embarrassed" to bring it back in and "promise yourself" to pay next time. Then "don't".