Day 297 11:03AM

The Hiring Manager's New Ten Commandments (as prescribed by candidates):

I: You Shall Have No Misconception That You Are God; You Are The Hiring Manager And After This Interview Is Over You Will Return To Your Excel Spreadsheet Before Attending That Brutal 3:30 Weekly Conference Call Where Lydia Always Talks Way Too Much.


II: You Shall Not Make For Yourself Your Job Easier By Asking Candidates The Following Rote Interview Questions: "What is your greatest strength and greatest weakness?", "Where do you see yourself in five years?", and "Do you prefer to work independently or as part of a team?". 

III: You Shall Not Take Your Candidate's Name In Vain As You Wait Two Months To Give An Answer, Slowly Stringing Them Along Before Crushing Their Hopes With A Form Email Sent On A Friday Afternoon.


IV: Remember The Sabbath Day And Don't Schedule Interviews For Mondays, Especially During Football Season, If St. Patrick's Day Or Halloween Falls On A Weekend, Or If Sabbath Was Especially Warm And Conducive To Day-Drinking.

V: Honor Your Candidates and Don't Answer Your Cell or Office Phone During The Interview Even If You Just Have To Tell Someone To Take Your Name Off Their Cell Phone. Huge. Quickly. Bye.

VI: You Shall Not Murder (Really This Is Just Common Sense).

VII: You Shall Not Come To The Interview Unprepared Having Not Read the Resume, Having Not Read The Job Description, Or Having Not Put On Pants.

VIII: You Shall Not Steal Your Candidate's Pen (This Happened Once And Let Me Tell You, It Throws One Through A Loop).

IX: You Shall Not Bear False Witness Regarding The Availability Of The Position Or The Existence Of Strong Internal Candidates.

X: You Shall Not Covet the HBS Degree; You Shall Not Covet A Consulting Background, Nor Proficiency In Access, Nor Your Neighbor's Donkey, Nor A High Undergraduate GPA, Nor The Answer To "Why Are Manhole Covers Round?".

Did I miss any? Feel free to tell me in the comments...

Day 279 8:30AM - 2:50PM

Today I thought I'd keep a diary on my trip to NYC to be a Floater for a Market Research study on how people use the Internet to purchase products. Essentially for $250 I hang out for three hours in case anyone bails on the study. I should be a PSA for getting your MBA.

8:30AM: IT'S MARKET RESEARCH DAY!!! [hit snooze]
8:57AM: Shower? Shave? Brush? Fine.
9:22AM: Frantically trying to pick out Market Research clothes. I need something that says "I'm happy to help but I don't need to be here." T-shirt and tuxedo trousers? A button-down with my Phish overalls? I settle on the casual-corporate-white-male-winter-2009 look: Expensive jeans, button down under a zip-up sweater. I throw on some Adidas white shell-tops just to add a little "Yeah I grew up upper-middle class; so what of it motherfucker?"
9:29AM: Seven minutes spent trying to figure out if the semi-colon belongs in that quote. Still not sure.
10:31AM: Scouring my email because I can't remember what I told them I do (it can't be Marketing, per Day 250's entry). It is either Hospitality Operations, Event Planning Consultant, or Labradoodle Enthusiast.
10:57AM: Switching over to Droid voice recorder to continue diary while I drive into the city.
11:05AM: "So I put my hands up, They're playing my song, And the butterflys fly away. Noddin' my head like yeah, Moving my hips like yeah. And I got my hands up, They're playin my song, I know I'm gonna be ok. Yeah, It's a party in the USA! Yeah, It's a party in the USA!" [shamefully turning recorder off]
1:14PM: Arrive at [name omitted] with time to spare. While nobody's at reception there is a gong! Market Research companies are FUN!
1:15PM: I refuse to gong but someone shows up anyhow. He looks like a cross between the bad guy in True Lies and the kid who played Joey's nephew on Joey. I'm keeping an eye on him...
1:34PM: Uneasy flirting going on between Little Salim Tribbiani and a plainer version of the stoner Asian girl from Knocked Up. I'm killing these pop culture references.
1:46PM: Ooooh, I get the early nod. I'm going in. The next hour will be recounted from memory as they probably don't want me taking notes.
1:48PM: A kindly middle-aged woman leads me to a room with two computers, four bottles of water, and a web camera. This is exactly how the worst ever Letter To Penthouse started.
1:49PM: Apparently we will be examining an audio book web site. My first fake-bio stumble comes out as I tell her I live in the city but commute in as well. Get it together Dave!
1:51PM: A quick second stumble as I knowingly ask her if the camera above the computer is for eye-tracking research. I immediately add "I saw one on TV" since I can't remember my back story.
2:02PM: I drop my first curse of the interview. Oddly enough, it's "Ass-ramming hamster fucker."
2:06PM: To save face I go on a lengthy discourse on the pricing model of the web site. It is quickly made apparent to me that I don't understand said pricing model.
2:10PM: "That's when the taxi man turned on the radio, and a Jay Z song was on, and the Jay Z song was on." Damn you Miley!
2:19PM: We're back in the groove as I go smoothly through the purchase process with some astute comments about how well the site works. Mentally I am beating the beat.
2:23PM: I refrain from asking her about her cats, of which she clearly has three.
2:31PM: For some reason I have mentioned Chuck Klosterman an astounding eight times during this interview. If something happens to Chuck in the next month I will most certainly be named a Person of Interest.
2:36PM: My second diatribe of the interview involves a new belief that bookshelves are secretly the most egotistical thing any person can own. She is clearly concerned and gives the "If I tug my earlobe come storming in" sign to the outside observers.
2:40PM: Trying to lighten the mood by making a Dark Night joke about the two-way mirror doesn't help. We solemnly agree that Heath Ledger passed too soon. Awkward silence follows. I've clearly been placed on some sort of watch list.
2:43PM: She goes into the other room and I immediately look up Klosterman's new book on the site. What the hell is wrong with me?
2:47PM: We wrap up but not before a final stumble as I mention Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, Porter's Five Forces, and the book How We Decide all in the same sentence.
2:50PM: Doesn't matter, I am paid my cash anyway. Just like Miley, for today I know I'm gonna be OK. It's a party in the USA. It's a party in the USA.

Day 273 3:10PM

I'd like to debut a new feature to Termed Into Oblivion called Recently Discovered Skills I Won't Be Putting On My Resume (working title):

Seven Bridges,   Chappaqua, NY

Snowman Engineer

•    Created and executed the development of a human representation derived from frozen water vapor. 
•    Managed cross-functional team (Operations, Creative, Quality Assurance, Neighbor’s Kids) tasked with project implementation and construction.
•    Coordinated field activities with design changes and internal scheduling. Negotiated labor’s (Sean) work schedule with management (Olga).
•    Led the acquisition of building materials from third parties, including the contracting of two buttons used for optical representation.
•    Worked with Creative to implement usage of in-house materials in order to lower project costs including using fir leaves for an awesome Burt Reynolds moustache.
•    Developed communications objectives for the project and oversaw its execution on Social Media (Facebook pictures), Internet Marketing (email to Mom), and Direct Marketing (call Mom).
•    Supervised a team of two assistants, two interns, and one toddler.

Day 266 12:07AM

TIO Tips To Surviving... A Night Out With Friends

1. First and foremost: pre-game. Enough cannot be said about the money saved by simply chugging a 40 of OE or an airplane bottle of Stoli before hitting the bar. A no, that doesn't include a bottle of vanilla extract you drunk.
2. Buy the 2nd round. The ROI of this technique can be impressive, especially among larger groups. You are still doing your civic duty by buying a round and it is early enough for everybody to remember. By the time your turn come around again chances are people have scattered or are drunk enough that they will become the Alpha Buyer. If you need to push things along just yell "Car Bombs!" when it is someone else's round.
3. Remember this progression: Dive < Pub/Tavern < Sports Bar < Brew Pub < Lounge < Wine Bar < Hotel Bar < Cigar Bar < Nightclub < Gentleman's Club. When unfamiliar with a destination ask a friend what type of place it is. Learn the base price of a drink at most Dives (e.g. a Bud at a Dive is $4) and add $1 for each step along the progression (e.g. a Bud would be $8 at a Lounge). Divide the total amount of money in your wallet by that number, taking into account the $1 tip to get your total drinks (e.g. $50 / $9 = 5). Now convince your friends to go somewhere cheaper.
4. When in doubt, go to a place with a pool table. The exception being the Delano Miami Lobby Bar or any hipster joint in Brooklyn or on the Lower East Side that uses a pool table ironically. 
5. Regarding #3 and eating. The prices move along the same pace but in an odd bit of phenomena, the food portions actually get smaller as you move from Dive to Club. Eat a NYC slice or a $5 Footlong™ before you go out; you'll be happy you did. Oh, and remember... people never really eat all their fries.
6. Your brain may be telling you to go with beer since it is cheaper but don't listen to that putz; who got you into this predicament in the first place? The incremental beers gained by the money saved on a cheaper alcoholic beverage does not offset the drunkenness gained by a stronger drink. [Ed. note: I understand not everybody is going out with plans to just get drunk. Now I think your Ivory Tower needs tending.]
7. Time Out New York can be a great resource for cheap drinks. If you find a copy see if you can trade it for a vodka tonic.
8. Know when to pull the cord. Key phrases to listen for are: "Let's go somewhere where I can get a good scotch." "I think they will be cool with you wearing sneakers." "[Girl's Name] just called. She's at [anywhere] with some friends. We're gonna go meet them." "[Anything] Penthouse Club [anything]."
9. There is no shame in the Irish Exit (leaving without goodbyes). Despite what you may think, you are not the center of the universe and the night will go on once you leave. PLEASE NOTE: this rule does not apply to women, who will stop everything and ruin everybody's night if someone goes missing. Ladies, tell your friends you ran into a co-worker who is gonna walk you to a cab if you want an easy exit.
10. Your friends understand your predicament, that's why they are your friends. Don't be afraid to let them buy you a drink, or let you steal their tip money, or let you walk out with their jacket. That's what friends are for.

Day 259 6:20PM

Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: It's been a while since I had an entry in this series, mostly because I no longer can faithfully recall how Employed Dave would react in most situations. This one, however, I am pretty sure of. Earlier today I decided that rather than pay $2.00 in quarters to park for one hour in Murray Hill before heading to AVEnts Catering and Special Events I would instead just sit in my Nissan Rogue that entire time. Many factors played into the decision besides the money: the loss of comfort associated with the elimination of eight (count 'em EIGHT) quarters from my center console; the fact that I would have to return to the car in an hour anyway since I needed to use it; the unfortunate timing of it being less than an hour but more than 45 minutes; the peace of mind I found in sitting in a parked car on 28th street and reading a book while my XM Radio played gently in the background. But at the end of the day, Employed Dave would've paid the $20, put the car in a lot for two hours, and enjoyed a nice medium coffee and small chocolate chip cookie at Gregory's on Park.

[Important Side Bar: There is a distinct possibility that I will be changing clothes in said Rogue in about two hours. I am an 18-month NMAC lease, a pair of Ernest Sewn jeans, and a tolerant family away from being homeless. In which case I will be moving to either Miami, San Diego, or Santa Monica. Just a heads up.]

Day 250 1:55PM

The Focus Group. If properly used it can be an excellent resource for some quick cash and maybe a little amusement. By following some simple advice you can soon find yourself in a room full of opinionated people that will annoy you for two hours for $150 in cash.

"But Dave," you may ask, "As a Marketing Professional and upstanding member of the business community don't you think it's unethical to teach people to trick Focus Groups for a quick buck?"

To this I reply: "Are you going to finish the rest of that sandwich?"

Do take liberties when filling out the form to see if you qualify for a focus group. Click off all the boxes even if they are asking if you've had beer, wine, liquor, mixed drinks, Zima, Everclear, or bathtub gin in the past week. This may lead to your presence at some strange focus groups - I've made a collage at a pro Free Trade coffee group (I didn't know what Free Trade was before), been forced to watch the pilot of Dirty, Sexy Money (because I said I watched Desperate Housewives, which I didn't, I swear. Stop judging me!), and chugged Heinekens with unemployed meatheads (because I checked off all the boxes on the above question) - but it'll increase your chances of getting in.
Do not answer in the affirmative to any of the questions on the page that asks you whether you work in marketing or advertising, or work for whatever industry the group is for. Furthermore, do not answer that you are Unemployed. Honesty and pride aren't going to work for you here, like a first date.
Do show up 30 minutes early so you can take advantage of the snacks and beverages available for participants.
Do not fill your backpack with the Sun Chips, Arrowhead Water, and Splenda. Apparently this is frowned upon.
Do have an opinion about what is being discussed. If you don't have anything to say it is unlikely you'll be asked back.Be intelligent and concise.
Do not have a strong opposing opinion. Contrary to what you believe, you are probably not shaping the future of the product you are reviewing; most likely you are only validating what they have created. The market research folks want to know they did good, so let them know it. Hence Dirty, Sexy Money made it to air.
Do fill out the forms on sites such as Alpha Buzz, Great Opinions, and Recruit & Field in order to get invited to groups.
Do not attend focus groups at places like Bob's Focus Groups and Aluminum Siding, Bruce's Apartment on 18th and 9th Buzzer #3A, and The Domination Basement.

If you have other suggestions please feel free to post them in the comments section. Thanks and good luck!

Day 236 3:27PM

For my first entry of 2010 I figured I do this New Year's Eve style with some TIO resolutions:

I resolve to abbreviate Termed Into Oblivion in order to be more efficient.
I resolve to tailor my resume to the job even more and not just move things that seem more relevant to higher positions.
I resolve to use LinkedIn more in order to apply through someone directly and not through the evil online application systems that swallow your resume along with your hopes and dreams.
I resolve to spend more down time writing TIO (nice) and less down time doing things that make me feel like I am being productive but really aren't (like reading a White Paper on using economics to answer why NFL teams should go for it on 4th down or practicing Excel by creating a model to predict the best Sunday games to bet).
I resolve to get back to trying to make corn-cob pipes this year's skinny jeans. 
I resolve to get back to learning VBA so a piece of my soul no longer dies each time I tell interviewers I know it. 
I resolve to start going to bed sooner so that I feel better in the morning (resolution rehash 2003-2009). 
I resolve to stop snapping at people that tell me that "everything happens for a reason" and "something better will come along" and "sorry sir but you cannot pay for this beer with your Borders Rewards card."
I resolve to move on faster and remain more positive.
In that same vein, I resolve to cease my line of HR effigy dolls and accessories.
I resolve to never look back on this time of my life wistfully and solemnly say "I never knew how good I had it back then."
I resolve to look back at this list in a year, remember what I learned, acknowledge how I grew, stop fucking around, and get back to my job.