Day 216 12:23PM

As I slowly progress through the stages of interviewing for jobs I am struck more and more about the similarities between job hunting and dating. I'm probably not the first to break ground on this but I still am finding it quite fascinating:

Date #1 / Interview #1: In both situations this is the, for lack of a better euphemism, getting your foot in the door stage. Nobody is really being themselves here; we're just feeling each other out. There's a lot of awkward banter; a lot of overreaching for middle ground; and a lot of agreeing with each other way too much.

Date #2 / Interview #2: Things are starting to get a bit more serious. We starting talking about real stuff now - our pasts, our visions of the future and how we plan to get there, strengths and weaknesses, how many piano tuners there are in Chicago. You evaluate the conversations in a deeper context and suffer a lot of highs and lows in an incredibly short period of time. This is where both hope and despair both start creeping in - "Do I like them more than they like me?", "Did I just say something they might misconstrue as offensive?", "Did they just catch me glancing at their cleavage?" and "How do I answer this compensation question?"

Date #3 / Interview #3: Now we are emotionally involved; this one is gonna end in either happiness or heartbreak. There's no more faking here as the discussions are much deeper, your answers scrutinized to much greater detail. You look in their eyes to see how everything you are saying is registering and feel it in the pit of your stomach. The problem is, they are playing along too so you can never really know. And they might be seeing somebody else tomorrow who is just as smart, just as personable, but he went to HBS and has a consulting background.

Day 193 5:44PM

Recently, I watched Homer Simpson struggle with his own mortality after consuming a poorly prepared piece of Fugu (toxic pufferfish served as sushi).  This got me thinking about the five stages of grief (Homer goes through them quickly and hilariously in Dr. Hibbert's office) and how they apply to interviewing for a job you really want:

Denial: The initial phase occurs about a week or so after the interview, when realistically if the company wanted you back they would have called by now. You justify the delay by thinking things like "They probably are just busy this week with that ad campaign they mentioned" or "I think the hiring manager sounded like she was sniffling a little, she probably got H1N1" or "It's Lupus Awareness Month so they might be celebrating this week."

Anger: The second phase comes into play when whatever excuse fueled your Denial no longer can be valid. This phase features a heavy amount of cursing and internal listing of all your redeemable qualities. You'll probably go on several anti-HR tirades and openly question how the company you interviewed with even remains a viable enterprise.

Bargaining: Things start turning a little sad here as you realize that your Anger is misplaced. You re-fall-in-love with the company and begin to make sacrifices to the HR people who are not calling you. Usually this involves lateral salary moves "for the right opportunity", accepting positions below you "because there are opportunities for growth", or performing illicit and/or illegal deeds because you are "just grateful for the opportunity."

You may also do some bargaining with whatever God you worship here. I find Vishnu or James Earl Jones to be the most responsive.

Depression: Ah Depression, my old friend. If you find yourself in dark rooms for over 80% of your day, wearing sweats to public places, or drunk before noon on a Tuesday you have slipped into Phase IV. The plus side is that you will be well-rested, comfortable, and drunk before noon. Here it's best not to focus on the years of complacency spent at a job with no future or relevant training or the graduate degree you spent over $100K on. Instead look at the positives like, um, er... well Lost is coming back soon and BK dropped the price of their Double Cheeseburger to $1.

Acceptance: "Fuck 'em, I never really wanted that job anyway." 

Lisa: Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Crisatunity!

So maybe not getting that job was the Crisatunity you were waiting for.

Or maybe your resume just sucks...

Day 186 12:41PM

Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I just decided against the $6.25 turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich at Gregory's Coffee for the $3.99 turkey and jack cheese sandwich at 7-11. I tell myself it's because I like the jack cheese roughly $2.25 more but we all know that's not true. Employed Dave only eats the 7-11 turkey sandwich when he is walking home drunk and can't find a pizza place.

Day 172 11:14AM

Since I haven't done it in a month (and it is an easy gimmick to get a blog post up) I thought it was time to revisit the postings out there:

Brand Manager/Marketing Manager - A Reputable Company - The best part of this one is if you go to the job description it is more of the same vague language: "Collaborates with home office and General Manager on overall marketing strategy", "Prepares and manages annual budget in accordance with media plan to achieve marketing goals", "Achieve marketing synergy with cross-functional business units and monitor ROI based on pre-defined benchmarks." (I made that last one up but admit it, it could fit just as easily).

Licensing Marketing Manager - American Girl/Mattel - I admit I have struggled with job opportunity more than once. On one side there is Mattel, a wonderful company to work for. On the other side, there is the unshakable mental image of my office covered in Barbie accessories while I try to figure out how to position Skipper's new hybrid convertible.

Marketing Manager - Halliburton - The one case where'd I'd probably lie and say I was the Licensing Marketing Manager for Barbie.

Marketing Licensee Manager - National Wild Turkey Federation - Sure, at first this seems like the dream: marketing 101 Proof Bourbon to college students and Red States everywhere. Topless co-eds, all day tailgates, and Toby Keith concerts. Nope, the NWTF is a national nonprofit wild turkey conservation and hunting organization.

National Brand Marketing Manager - Red Bull North America - Fantastic opportunity but I don't see myself making it past the first day when I go on a lengthy, profanity-laced tirade about their ridiculously bad commercials.

Product Marketing Manager - Carol's Daughter - Listen, I think we all admire Carol for the incredibly proactive and out-of-the-box measures she's taking to achieve her daughter's popularity. However I really think a more traditional approach of after-school activities coupled with better clothes and a BMW will net her friends with a smaller overall investment. Worst-case scenario you allow kids to drink in your basement.

Day 164 4:43PM

When you cease working you cease to engage those parts of your brain that getting your MBA activated in the first place. My daily life right now doesn't beg for much high-level thinking (or waking up to be honest) but so as not to waste those two years of personal development here's how I keep up:

Marketing Concepts: This one's easy given that I am selling myself on a daily basis by focusing on the 4 Ps - Product (me), Price (negotiable), Placement (anywhere), and Promotion (endless). Plus, every interview is a personal SWOT analysis from hell.
Financial Accounting: Unemployment checks count as Assets. Everything else in my life is a G*d d*mn Liability.
Managing Organizations: I'm currently barely hanging in at the Physiological base level of Maslow's Hierarchy. A job may get me up a notch to Safety. Sexual Intimacy still a ways away.
Strategy: The job hunt requires me to ignore Porter's Five Forces (The Threat of Substitute Products, The Threat of the Entry of New Competitors, The Intensity of Competitive Rivalry, Bargaining Power) lest I hang myself with a widget.
Operations: Queuing theory at work at Target as I wait on line to buy private label brands of cereal, deodorant, and heart medication. By the way, the Silver Fox working the register is always the bottleneck.
Collaboration, Conflict, and Negotiation: This basically consists of me ignoring Citibank's daily phone calls asking about my late Student Loan payments.
Decision Models: My largest unemployed project to-date involves an elaborate Excel model comparing the absolute difference between multiple average values versus static values and uses a personally designed macro to copy, paste, and rank them according to specific attributes. It was created to help me decide which NFL bets to make.
Current Economic & Financial Problems: Pretty self explanatory.

Day 137 3:46PM

Fantastic episode of Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I just deposited a check for $1.33 into my bank account. To be fair, this deposit was part of an overall trip to the bank to transfer money (unemployment) from one account to another but the check actually didn't read the first time so I had to deposit it again. Then the machine couldn't read it and I didn't remember the amount (or my brain refused to accept it) so I had to remove the check, look, and start again. This process took about 6 minutes of my life that I can never have back.

The personal economics of this transaction were a wash at best. Since it takes me a mile to get to town, my car averages about 25 miles per gallon, and gas (when last purchased) was $3.07 per gallon, the trip itself cost me roughly 25 cents. The mental capacity expired, the time that could've been spent job hunting, the tread used up on my shoes, and the overall loss of 30 minutes of my life account for the other $1.08 (FYI, my issue with 8 + 5 is so bad I just used Excel to figure out that math. Apparently I can't do it in any iteration of it.).

Now, the loss to society is a whole 'nother story. The paper used for my receipt, the time the woman waiting behind me wasted, the carbon emissions of my Rogue - all came at a cost to the planet just so I could cash a check for $1.33 (from the company that laid me off no less). I will repent by emailing Al Gore an apology and planting more pachysandra in my brother's back yard.

Day 123 2:20PM

People that know me know that I have this little issue in my life where there is a direct correlation to the length of an email sent to me and the length of time it takes me to respond. It's clearly a problem, especially in situations where you need to tell me a story in order to get my opinion or you need to hear yourself talk and have me agree with you. I am having the same issue with Termed Into Oblivion but I am going to address it... not every post has to be long and not every post has to be incredibly insightful and/or funny.

That being said, I'd like to pose the question: Where the F**K do online job applications go once you hit submit? I ask because I've had the pleasure of, to date, filling out roughly 63 online applications and approximately ONE has called back (from a job I applied for three months ago). Now don't claim to be the ideal applicant who thinks his response percentage should be the same as Megan Fox's JDate profile, but 2%??? C'mon. I have an MBA from NYU; I have 7+ years of Marketing experience with major companies; my interests include reading and boxing - could any sane HR person resist all that?? The answer in a resounding "NO!" Thus I can only assume that these online applications wind up in the same parallel universe that childrens' letters to Santa, Duane Reade "Tell Us How We're Doing" customer service cards, and Lindsey Lohan's coherent Tweets reside in. A dark world where requests for a Wii go unanswered, racially charged curse-words are misspelled, pleas to a lesbian DJ remain ignored, and a strong candidate's desire to participate in a personal interview to answer any of your questions and better present his qualifications is heard by not a soul.