Day 137 3:46PM

Fantastic episode of Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I just deposited a check for $1.33 into my bank account. To be fair, this deposit was part of an overall trip to the bank to transfer money (unemployment) from one account to another but the check actually didn't read the first time so I had to deposit it again. Then the machine couldn't read it and I didn't remember the amount (or my brain refused to accept it) so I had to remove the check, look, and start again. This process took about 6 minutes of my life that I can never have back.

The personal economics of this transaction were a wash at best. Since it takes me a mile to get to town, my car averages about 25 miles per gallon, and gas (when last purchased) was $3.07 per gallon, the trip itself cost me roughly 25 cents. The mental capacity expired, the time that could've been spent job hunting, the tread used up on my shoes, and the overall loss of 30 minutes of my life account for the other $1.08 (FYI, my issue with 8 + 5 is so bad I just used Excel to figure out that math. Apparently I can't do it in any iteration of it.).

Now, the loss to society is a whole 'nother story. The paper used for my receipt, the time the woman waiting behind me wasted, the carbon emissions of my Rogue - all came at a cost to the planet just so I could cash a check for $1.33 (from the company that laid me off no less). I will repent by emailing Al Gore an apology and planting more pachysandra in my brother's back yard.

Day 123 2:20PM

People that know me know that I have this little issue in my life where there is a direct correlation to the length of an email sent to me and the length of time it takes me to respond. It's clearly a problem, especially in situations where you need to tell me a story in order to get my opinion or you need to hear yourself talk and have me agree with you. I am having the same issue with Termed Into Oblivion but I am going to address it... not every post has to be long and not every post has to be incredibly insightful and/or funny.

That being said, I'd like to pose the question: Where the F**K do online job applications go once you hit submit? I ask because I've had the pleasure of, to date, filling out roughly 63 online applications and approximately ONE has called back (from a job I applied for three months ago). Now don't claim to be the ideal applicant who thinks his response percentage should be the same as Megan Fox's JDate profile, but 2%??? C'mon. I have an MBA from NYU; I have 7+ years of Marketing experience with major companies; my interests include reading and boxing - could any sane HR person resist all that?? The answer in a resounding "NO!" Thus I can only assume that these online applications wind up in the same parallel universe that childrens' letters to Santa, Duane Reade "Tell Us How We're Doing" customer service cards, and Lindsey Lohan's coherent Tweets reside in. A dark world where requests for a Wii go unanswered, racially charged curse-words are misspelled, pleas to a lesbian DJ remain ignored, and a strong candidate's desire to participate in a personal interview to answer any of your questions and better present his qualifications is heard by not a soul.

Day 105 10:24AM

For those that actually read this, I apologize. For some reason suburban life can particularly busy though if you asked me to say why I'd have no response. Maybe it's all the errands. Or this nasty little meth habit I picked up...

Anyway, going through my morning routine of searching for jobs I thought it might be fun for all of us to take a look at what's out there:
Assistant Marketing Manager - Duane Reade - Things I will NEVER associate with anyone working for Duane Reade "exceptional communication and interpersonal skills," "Strong organization skills," and "Ability to perform in a fast-paced environment and manage timelines" (or any lines at all).
Marketing Manager - Stamps.com - I'm not sure which job I would brag about less - this one or the one above it. At least Duane Reade sells DVDs and Kettle Chips.
Game Night Internerships, Marketing - The LA Clippers - At the end of the internship you get the GM position, or Point Guard.
Marketing Analyst - The Law Offices of Jerry Kaufman - "Research market conditions, do statistical analysis, prepare forecasts"... Jerry strikes me as the type of guy that wishes he'd gotten an MBA rather than a law degree and now wants someone around the office to talk "MBA stuff" despite the information being completely useless.
Marketing Manager - Intuit - Every time I see I a job at Intuit I giggle because I think it says Inuit. That ultimately leads to me thinking about job postings like "Must be proficient in harpooning and dog sledding," "BA or BS Degree in either Marketing, Raiding, Qaniujaaqpait, or Public Relations," and "Ability to juggle a variety of tasks in a professional manner."

Day 84 5:59PM

So what's the correct response when asked salary requirements in a down economy? The old business school standby of anchoring high seems like a flawed technique nowadays given that the market is flooded with business school graduates anchoring high and subsequently not getting jobs. Telling them my actual past salary usually doesn't work, probably because I quickly follow it up with "ofcourseeverythingisnegotiablefortherightopportunity." Telling them my true requirements - three hots and a cot - sounds a bit desperate and I'd still need medical and vision (f*** dental).

My copy of Bargaining for Advantage now seems like a cute relic of a time long ago. It does, however, act as an effective prop to make my bookcase seem impressive, right next to Building Strong Brands, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, The Grand Strategy of the Roman Empire: From the First Century AD to the Third, and Twilight (What? The ladies love it).

Maybe I'll go try to get the Street Meat guy down to $4 for the sake of practice. He's a Columbia grad.

Day 77 12:02AM

Per the lecture by Stephen J. Cannell "What is the Three Act Structure?" - " At the end of Act Two is the second act curtain. This is the destruction of the hero's plan. At the end of Act Two the protagonist should be almost destroyed, and at the lowest point in the drama, either physically and/or emotionally. He (or she) is flat on his back and it looks like there is no way he can succeed." I'd like to hope this is the ending of Act II of my E! True Hollywood Story.

For those that cannot gather from above, I have left Las Vegas. I have moved back to New York. Moved back to Chappaqua, the town I grew up in. Moved into my brother's guest room while I look for work in a devastated market.

Hopefully I can re-start Termed after a brief hiatus where I took stock of my life and made some judgment calls. I'm starting to wonder if they were the right ones... I guess we'll see...

Day 56 7:45PM

Being termed has afforded me a bunch of free time and like many before me I have turned to Twitter. Now I know what many of you are saying: "Twitter? I'm sick of hearing about that!" or "What are you, a fifteen year-old girl?" or "I can't believe McNair's girlfriend thought she'd land in his lap and they'd be like that in heaven" but damn if this site isn't addictive. One of my biggest problems with the blog is feeling the need to post entries long enough to have value; Twitter eliminates that with a 140 character limit. Also, given that I am neither the most offensive nor the most random person out there I can be both with impunity. It is truly liberating.

So as a public service to the uninitiated I present some different classes of Twitterers and some examples of their work:

The 140 Character Masters
@jordanrubin: If I was friends with a centaur, I'd pick a fight with him just so I could say, "Let's settle this Mano a Mano-Horso."
@someecards: [mj memorial] It's always tragic when a pet chimp outlives its owner.
@SarahKSilverman: Hey, is it considered molestation if the child makes the first move? I'm gonna need a quick answer on this.
@michaelianblack "Happy Canada Day," which in America is pronounced "Who gives a shit?"
@robcorddry: Pornstars! Want to know your real name? Take the 1st name on your birth certificate and add it to your dad's last name! I'm "Rob Corddry"!
@dathvader: In Palpatine's defense, it's hard not to be over-confident when intelligence reports you'll be fighting teddy bears & salamanders.
@mookiewilson86: Ya know what's a terrible name for a rapper? Holla Cost.

Topical Geniuses
@sethmeyers21: Hey, maybe "Moneyball" movie got shelved because the A's are 34-46
@sportsguy33: Little-known fact: every time Mariah Carey sings "I'll Be There," she's talking about an all-you-can-eat buffet.
@SklarBrothers: Was surprised to find out that trending topic, "Firefox 3" was referring to computer software, and not some Lou Gossett Jr. Movie.
@nickswisher: Unreal series.Taking 3 from Mets at their place and Mo getting his 500th. Couldn't be scripted any better. Big homestand coming up...

Famous People Who Will Depress You For Being Famous
@IMKristenBell: funniest thing i heard all week-daxs grandma Eulice said kids called her "useless eggshells"-apparently a major insult in the 40s! hee hee
@marciabrazil: Let's just say that your hanging and your friend fuck your boyfirend right after u have leave the party. How would u feel?
@hollymadison123: i am surrounded by gays. which is great, but i'll probably never get laid again.
@KimKardashian : [on July 4th] Did anyone see fireworks???
@ChansiStuckey: Watching head of state with chris rock and bernie mac(rip). Classic

Postings by David Locke in Which He Thinks He's Wittier Than He Really Is
@350Park: The seamless transition of the WWF to WWE gives me faith in human beings' ability to adapt to change. It's like White Trash Darwinism.
@350Park: Because of "Two Girls, One Cup" I now immediately distrust anybody who says "You HAVE to watch this YouTube video." Or "Here, use this cup."
@350Park: Jackson funeral at the Staples Center July 7th; July 8th -12th? Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey. They won't even have to change sets.
@350Park: Maybe the rain was God crying bc He knew He had to call MJ & FF home. That or it was the condensation of atmospheric water vapor into drops.
@350Park: The cast of Terminator 3 is the Bizarro World version of the cast of Diner.

Day 53 11:54PM

Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I used coupons at Target. More than one. And saved $1.75. And was psyched about it. Employed Dave would've skipped the coupons AND would've bought Tide instead of All.