Day 259 6:20PM

Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: It's been a while since I had an entry in this series, mostly because I no longer can faithfully recall how Employed Dave would react in most situations. This one, however, I am pretty sure of. Earlier today I decided that rather than pay $2.00 in quarters to park for one hour in Murray Hill before heading to AVEnts Catering and Special Events I would instead just sit in my Nissan Rogue that entire time. Many factors played into the decision besides the money: the loss of comfort associated with the elimination of eight (count 'em EIGHT) quarters from my center console; the fact that I would have to return to the car in an hour anyway since I needed to use it; the unfortunate timing of it being less than an hour but more than 45 minutes; the peace of mind I found in sitting in a parked car on 28th street and reading a book while my XM Radio played gently in the background. But at the end of the day, Employed Dave would've paid the $20, put the car in a lot for two hours, and enjoyed a nice medium coffee and small chocolate chip cookie at Gregory's on Park.

[Important Side Bar: There is a distinct possibility that I will be changing clothes in said Rogue in about two hours. I am an 18-month NMAC lease, a pair of Ernest Sewn jeans, and a tolerant family away from being homeless. In which case I will be moving to either Miami, San Diego, or Santa Monica. Just a heads up.]

Day 250 1:55PM

The Focus Group. If properly used it can be an excellent resource for some quick cash and maybe a little amusement. By following some simple advice you can soon find yourself in a room full of opinionated people that will annoy you for two hours for $150 in cash.

"But Dave," you may ask, "As a Marketing Professional and upstanding member of the business community don't you think it's unethical to teach people to trick Focus Groups for a quick buck?"

To this I reply: "Are you going to finish the rest of that sandwich?"

Do take liberties when filling out the form to see if you qualify for a focus group. Click off all the boxes even if they are asking if you've had beer, wine, liquor, mixed drinks, Zima, Everclear, or bathtub gin in the past week. This may lead to your presence at some strange focus groups - I've made a collage at a pro Free Trade coffee group (I didn't know what Free Trade was before), been forced to watch the pilot of Dirty, Sexy Money (because I said I watched Desperate Housewives, which I didn't, I swear. Stop judging me!), and chugged Heinekens with unemployed meatheads (because I checked off all the boxes on the above question) - but it'll increase your chances of getting in.
Do not answer in the affirmative to any of the questions on the page that asks you whether you work in marketing or advertising, or work for whatever industry the group is for. Furthermore, do not answer that you are Unemployed. Honesty and pride aren't going to work for you here, like a first date.
Do show up 30 minutes early so you can take advantage of the snacks and beverages available for participants.
Do not fill your backpack with the Sun Chips, Arrowhead Water, and Splenda. Apparently this is frowned upon.
Do have an opinion about what is being discussed. If you don't have anything to say it is unlikely you'll be asked back.Be intelligent and concise.
Do not have a strong opposing opinion. Contrary to what you believe, you are probably not shaping the future of the product you are reviewing; most likely you are only validating what they have created. The market research folks want to know they did good, so let them know it. Hence Dirty, Sexy Money made it to air.
Do fill out the forms on sites such as Alpha Buzz, Great Opinions, and Recruit & Field in order to get invited to groups.
Do not attend focus groups at places like Bob's Focus Groups and Aluminum Siding, Bruce's Apartment on 18th and 9th Buzzer #3A, and The Domination Basement.

If you have other suggestions please feel free to post them in the comments section. Thanks and good luck!

Day 236 3:27PM

For my first entry of 2010 I figured I do this New Year's Eve style with some TIO resolutions:

I resolve to abbreviate Termed Into Oblivion in order to be more efficient.
I resolve to tailor my resume to the job even more and not just move things that seem more relevant to higher positions.
I resolve to use LinkedIn more in order to apply through someone directly and not through the evil online application systems that swallow your resume along with your hopes and dreams.
I resolve to spend more down time writing TIO (nice) and less down time doing things that make me feel like I am being productive but really aren't (like reading a White Paper on using economics to answer why NFL teams should go for it on 4th down or practicing Excel by creating a model to predict the best Sunday games to bet).
I resolve to get back to trying to make corn-cob pipes this year's skinny jeans. 
I resolve to get back to learning VBA so a piece of my soul no longer dies each time I tell interviewers I know it. 
I resolve to start going to bed sooner so that I feel better in the morning (resolution rehash 2003-2009). 
I resolve to stop snapping at people that tell me that "everything happens for a reason" and "something better will come along" and "sorry sir but you cannot pay for this beer with your Borders Rewards card."
I resolve to move on faster and remain more positive.
In that same vein, I resolve to cease my line of HR effigy dolls and accessories.
I resolve to never look back on this time of my life wistfully and solemnly say "I never knew how good I had it back then."
I resolve to look back at this list in a year, remember what I learned, acknowledge how I grew, stop fucking around, and get back to my job.

Day 216 12:23PM

As I slowly progress through the stages of interviewing for jobs I am struck more and more about the similarities between job hunting and dating. I'm probably not the first to break ground on this but I still am finding it quite fascinating:

Date #1 / Interview #1: In both situations this is the, for lack of a better euphemism, getting your foot in the door stage. Nobody is really being themselves here; we're just feeling each other out. There's a lot of awkward banter; a lot of overreaching for middle ground; and a lot of agreeing with each other way too much.

Date #2 / Interview #2: Things are starting to get a bit more serious. We starting talking about real stuff now - our pasts, our visions of the future and how we plan to get there, strengths and weaknesses, how many piano tuners there are in Chicago. You evaluate the conversations in a deeper context and suffer a lot of highs and lows in an incredibly short period of time. This is where both hope and despair both start creeping in - "Do I like them more than they like me?", "Did I just say something they might misconstrue as offensive?", "Did they just catch me glancing at their cleavage?" and "How do I answer this compensation question?"

Date #3 / Interview #3: Now we are emotionally involved; this one is gonna end in either happiness or heartbreak. There's no more faking here as the discussions are much deeper, your answers scrutinized to much greater detail. You look in their eyes to see how everything you are saying is registering and feel it in the pit of your stomach. The problem is, they are playing along too so you can never really know. And they might be seeing somebody else tomorrow who is just as smart, just as personable, but he went to HBS and has a consulting background.

Day 193 5:44PM

Recently, I watched Homer Simpson struggle with his own mortality after consuming a poorly prepared piece of Fugu (toxic pufferfish served as sushi).  This got me thinking about the five stages of grief (Homer goes through them quickly and hilariously in Dr. Hibbert's office) and how they apply to interviewing for a job you really want:

Denial: The initial phase occurs about a week or so after the interview, when realistically if the company wanted you back they would have called by now. You justify the delay by thinking things like "They probably are just busy this week with that ad campaign they mentioned" or "I think the hiring manager sounded like she was sniffling a little, she probably got H1N1" or "It's Lupus Awareness Month so they might be celebrating this week."

Anger: The second phase comes into play when whatever excuse fueled your Denial no longer can be valid. This phase features a heavy amount of cursing and internal listing of all your redeemable qualities. You'll probably go on several anti-HR tirades and openly question how the company you interviewed with even remains a viable enterprise.

Bargaining: Things start turning a little sad here as you realize that your Anger is misplaced. You re-fall-in-love with the company and begin to make sacrifices to the HR people who are not calling you. Usually this involves lateral salary moves "for the right opportunity", accepting positions below you "because there are opportunities for growth", or performing illicit and/or illegal deeds because you are "just grateful for the opportunity."

You may also do some bargaining with whatever God you worship here. I find Vishnu or James Earl Jones to be the most responsive.

Depression: Ah Depression, my old friend. If you find yourself in dark rooms for over 80% of your day, wearing sweats to public places, or drunk before noon on a Tuesday you have slipped into Phase IV. The plus side is that you will be well-rested, comfortable, and drunk before noon. Here it's best not to focus on the years of complacency spent at a job with no future or relevant training or the graduate degree you spent over $100K on. Instead look at the positives like, um, er... well Lost is coming back soon and BK dropped the price of their Double Cheeseburger to $1.

Acceptance: "Fuck 'em, I never really wanted that job anyway." 

Lisa: Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Crisatunity!

So maybe not getting that job was the Crisatunity you were waiting for.

Or maybe your resume just sucks...

Day 186 12:41PM

Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I just decided against the $6.25 turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich at Gregory's Coffee for the $3.99 turkey and jack cheese sandwich at 7-11. I tell myself it's because I like the jack cheese roughly $2.25 more but we all know that's not true. Employed Dave only eats the 7-11 turkey sandwich when he is walking home drunk and can't find a pizza place.

Day 172 11:14AM

Since I haven't done it in a month (and it is an easy gimmick to get a blog post up) I thought it was time to revisit the postings out there:

Brand Manager/Marketing Manager - A Reputable Company - The best part of this one is if you go to the job description it is more of the same vague language: "Collaborates with home office and General Manager on overall marketing strategy", "Prepares and manages annual budget in accordance with media plan to achieve marketing goals", "Achieve marketing synergy with cross-functional business units and monitor ROI based on pre-defined benchmarks." (I made that last one up but admit it, it could fit just as easily).

Licensing Marketing Manager - American Girl/Mattel - I admit I have struggled with job opportunity more than once. On one side there is Mattel, a wonderful company to work for. On the other side, there is the unshakable mental image of my office covered in Barbie accessories while I try to figure out how to position Skipper's new hybrid convertible.

Marketing Manager - Halliburton - The one case where'd I'd probably lie and say I was the Licensing Marketing Manager for Barbie.

Marketing Licensee Manager - National Wild Turkey Federation - Sure, at first this seems like the dream: marketing 101 Proof Bourbon to college students and Red States everywhere. Topless co-eds, all day tailgates, and Toby Keith concerts. Nope, the NWTF is a national nonprofit wild turkey conservation and hunting organization.

National Brand Marketing Manager - Red Bull North America - Fantastic opportunity but I don't see myself making it past the first day when I go on a lengthy, profanity-laced tirade about their ridiculously bad commercials.

Product Marketing Manager - Carol's Daughter - Listen, I think we all admire Carol for the incredibly proactive and out-of-the-box measures she's taking to achieve her daughter's popularity. However I really think a more traditional approach of after-school activities coupled with better clothes and a BMW will net her friends with a smaller overall investment. Worst-case scenario you allow kids to drink in your basement.