Day 342 4:42PM

Owing to it's (relatively) immense popularity and the fact that I haven't had an original idea in weeks I am bringing back the Market Research Diary! Much like an episode of Fox's 24 this entry contains dubious passages of time, a protagonist that is 5' 6", and a surprise twist at the end; and like Fox's The Bernie Mac Show it contains a sarcastic internal dialogue, adorable moppets, and a cameo by Carlos Mencia.

This all takes place on Tuesday, April 20th, 2010.

6:50AM: IT'S MARKET RESEARCH DAY!!! Unfortunately my excitement is tempered by the fact that I am freelancing today. Only twelve hours to go...
11:34AM: My freelancing gig ends early and I am faced with free time. There's so much I can do on a gorgeous day such as this - take a walk along the river, visit the Central Park zoo, get blindingly drunk by myself at a German biergarten or nursery school cafeteria. I settle on a classic: spend six hours in Gregory's Coffee Shop because they have free wi-fi and a bathroom I trust.
5:22PM: Getting antsy to give my opinion on things. Unsolicited I have expressed thoughts on the chocolate chip cookies, the genius of bringing a power strip to Gregory's, and the evidence of Cialdini's Six Drivers of Influence in coffee consumption.
By the way, if you doubt the validity of these entries please note my Facebook and Twitter updates from that time below:
Facebook: The Mexican Standoff going on between the two strangers sharing the small window table at Gregory's on Park is mesmerizing. She's really stoic but I think he may be nuts... [Tue at 2:35pm]
Twitter: It took 30 minutes of appalled eavesdropping before I realized the couple next to me is prepping for a med school test & r not not kinky freaks. [3:06 PM Apr 20th via web]
6:05PM: Time to head up. The study isn't until 6:30 but as you'll see later you always want to be on time but not too early to these things...
6:17PM: I'm too early.
6:19PM: Signing in behind a guy that is way too friendly. I'm terrified that we are going to have to interact at some point.
6:21PM: Tough moment in my day. There are roughly 50 chairs in the waiting room - seven rows of five and then another 15 or so lining the room. A woman is sitting front row, far left. Over Friendly chooses closest along the wall (easiest choice). There's nobody else. Resisting all social mores I choose the fourth row, second chair in. I'm OK with this choice.
6:23PM: The receptionist tries to inspire some light banter among us by pointing out that he too has a Droid smartphone (which this study is about) and loves it. With my headphones in I pretend not to hear. Over Friendly is thrilled to discuss his phone.
6:24PM: I am somewhat mortified to discover the cord to my headphones is plugged into nothing and dangling freely by my side.
6:26PM: A proctor comes out who is a dead ringer for, coincidentally enough, Lt. Proctor from Police Academy 2. Over Friendly introduces himself though all I catch is "my friends just call me Cooper." I imagine a legion of Farmville "friends" LOLing every time this guy makes a cabbage joke on some message board somewhere. Meanwhile I struggle to resist singing the Blue Oyster Bar song to Lt. Proctor proctor.
6:29PM: The room feels different now that he is gone. Less... something. I begin to wonder: is it Cooper or Kooper?  Maybe it's Couper? Or the foreign-tinged Cupar? Or maybe he said "my friends just call me THE Cooper" due to his propensity to make or repair casks, barrels, etc. [non-crossword people just look it up].
6:30PM: I have to know so I approach the front desk with the line "did I remember to sign by my name?" in order to check his sign in. It's Cooper. All is well again. Again, this really happened.
6:34PM: Bored, I begin to play a game called "What's The Weirdest Thing I Can Put On My Browser In Case They Ask Me To Check It During The Study?" Porn was too obvious. An article about creating a homemade pipe bomb was a little reckless. Zac Efron's fan page hit a little too close to home. I settle for a YouTube episode of Designing Women.
6:36PM: I wonder what Cooper is doing.
6:40PM: In a truly jarring turn of events a screaming child is brought into the waiting room. For a brief second my heart flickers at the thought of testing a new App that somehow elicits this response from small children, cats, and people who try to get on the subway before everybody gets off. Turns out the study was for the Nintendo DS. Probably for the best; the world isn't ready for that App.
6:43PM: I wish Cooper was here. He'd know what to do with this kid. His mom tries Sprite; I bet Cooper would spit that Sprite in her face and regale the child with a song or a story or some magic. Fucking Cooper is great.
6:45PM: A mom brings a second child into the waiting room, apparently to take the study Child One has just undergone. The look of terror on Child Two upon seeing a screaming Child One is priceless. And by the way, yes ladies, I'm still single.
6:49PM: I'm called to the front and it is explained that they double-booked my time spot with none other than... Cooper! They needed to make sure he was OK for the study - which obviously he is, he's fucking COOPER. I was free to go, $125 check in hand for roughly 30 minutes of my time. And that is why, my friends, you try to show up late but not too late.
6:54PM: On my walk to the train I have time to reflect on this man we (his friends) call Cooper:
Droid owner.
Friend to male receptionists.
Spaghetti aficionado.
Market research attendee.
Barrel maker.
Hero.

Day 325 11:56PM

I'm well aware that I haven't posted in almost a month and for that I apologize to my avid follower. I've been freelancing and consulting which makes this blog both difficult to do and kind of a farce, since I am somewhat employed. That being said, I am still mostly unemployed and certainly live like it so we press on.

It's late but I wanted to get in a new Employed Dave vs. Let Go Dave: I've recently become aware of the fact that I spend an unreasonable amount of my mental capacity on trying to figure out exactly how much money I need to put on my Metro Card so that it winds down to zero. For non-New Yorkers - and you rich fucks who stay above ground - a subway ride in NYC costs $2.25, a somewhat reasonable amount (don't let anybody wax nostalgic about the time it was a buck as that was also the time when subway vigilantes with tiny mustaches, Coney Island gangs with awesome vests, and Turk 182 owned the underground). When you put $8 or more on your card, NYC Transit sees fit to bonus you a little cash and so you receive a 15% bonus (for example, a $20 purchase gives you $23 on your card). This is where I stumble: If I in fact purchase that $20 card and use it all the way down I still have $.50 leftover. Employed Dave would let that $.50 go, chalking it up to a win for the MTA; Let Go Dave refuses to allow breakage in his already broken state and has spent, on more than one occasion, about five minutes in front of the vending machine with his credit card, his Droid calculator app, and a tiny little Asian grad student trying to figure out if it is worth it just to throw $4 on the card for two trips and no bonus or invest $9.35 which, with my 15% gets bumped up to $10.75 plus the $.50 to $12.25 which equals almost exactly five trips and one "insufficient fare, please swipe card at this turnstile again" upper thigh bruise moment in the near future.